


Set Up

by Measured



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Virtue's Last Reward Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 16:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7721230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured/pseuds/Measured
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things never change, no matter what the decade. (or the why behind the rabbit puns, rub-off puzzles, and everything he never got to put into the games.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Set Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kiu227](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiu227/gifts).



> I refuse to believe that Sigma got old and boring and cling steadfastly to the OTP of Sigma/being awful forever.

1.  
The white board had one word surrounded by squiggly lines. _CAT_

"Hear meowt: a cat program, who makes cat puns." Sigma held out his hands, like he was waiting for applause.

Akane held out her hand and gave a thumbs down. 

2.  
The minute Akane left on whatever things she did--Sigma never asked, not that she would tell if he did--Sigma realized his mistake. He was missing the huge, obvious connection here. 

He slapped his hand to his head. "Of course, why didn't I think of it? The rabbit on the _moon_!"

Of course, it would take past him quite some time to get the pun, but he couldn't wait this amount of potential. _Puntential_ , even.

By the time Akane returned, Sigma had already installed it. He smirked for days at his victory, and made sure to   
fit in as many rabbit puns as possible.

3.  
"I leave for one week, and you've already left the facility--and the fate of the world--to a rabbit who makes constant puns, and spends the rest of the time mocking them and being unhelpful? ? What next, turning the GAULEMs into strippers?"

Sigma lit up at her suggestion. "Good idea!"

"Sigma, no," Akane said.

"Just kidding," Sigma said.

But they both knew he wasn't.

4.  
"A boxers puzzle, really?" Akane said. She pushed the button, as the robot began its spiel, just enough for the group who made it to believe they were in control. "Cockney accents?" 

"It'll liven up the place," Sigma said. "Even better, we could make them anatomically correct, but with _giant_ \--"

"That's enough, Sigma," Akane said.

5.

Sigma chuckled to himself as he installed a specially made poster. Not only was it a cute woman in a bathing suit, it had the added effect of rubbing off parts. Like stripping and gambling, but cheaper.

And since Akane had shot down the stripping pole puzzle, and the shirtless puzzle, and the oil wrestling puzzle, he made sure to sneak numbers in here. 

(He'd even offered to make it equal opportunity shirtless, but she'd still said no.)

"You're welcome, past me," he said. He held up his hand for a high five, and then high-fived himself. 

Behind him, Akane let out a long suffering sigh. Something he was hearing more and more as they finalized the puzzle installation together. Sigma knew that sigh well. It was _I can't believe the fate of the world is being put in your hands._

6.

As much as Akane would like to pretend that Sigma Klim had grown past the point of snickering while drawing dicks on the official white board between work shifts, coming in to white board filled with obscene doodles said otherwise.

7.

The white board had many squiggly lines, several doodles of the many lions across the facility, and the word _cat puns_ underlined several times.

Akane folded her hands. "I'm afraid not. These need to be clear, concise, even intimidating. However, if you wish to add any on your own, while you're reading---"

"Challenge accepted," Sigma said.

8.

Akane tightened the broach at her throat. Sigma knew well that she could use it to kill someone, if she so desired. He'd made a joke about her being _dressed to kill_ in her black dress, like mourning garb, and he'd barely survived that.

"Did you honestly go back in the past, so you could cover Kyle with cat stickers?"

Sigma smiled. "I didn't even take him on a jump for some father-son bonding time, to introduce him to the concept of nude beaches, or strippers--"

Akane massaged the bridge of her nose. "Yes, you're really gunning for the father of the year award."

Just for that, he brought back a _#1 Father_ coffee mug through a jump, and made a point to drink from it whenever she was around.

9.

"Topiary is _not_ going to be one of the puzzles," Akane said.

It was hard to get anything past a woman who knew the past and future of every possible world simultaneously. But while she was psychic, she wasn't psychic enough to deny him carrots and peppers to use in the puzzles.

For weeks before he the games started, he'd leave a carrot just between two peppers, just to watch her left eye twitch.

10.

As Sigma put the rabbit in the air lock, he had a sudden bout of memories that came like a blow to the head.

In at least one timeline, she'd had enough, fate be damned, and kicked him out of the airlock without a suit.

He looked back, with maybe more respect at the mastermind. A woman in mourning clothes, who smirked like she'd won this war, and every war. 

"Enjoying yourself, Sigma?" she said. There was just a hint of teasing in her voice.

Just for that, he made another puzzle with the rabbit plush.

11.  
The boardroom was largely empty. He'd projected his new bunny Zero, just to make it feel a little less bare.

"This will be our final run through before it starts," Akane said. "After all these years, the test will finally begin."

The white board had several arrows pointing to one sentence: _What the fuck?_

"Let's run this by me again. You're going to let yourself be killed by the most obvious spy ever, then you're going to let him enter the games. He's going to plant bombs, we're going to let him, and you didn't even say how it'll work past that. Did I get that wrong? Did it turn April 1st when I wasn't looking?"

He pointed to the white board for emphasis. Maybe she even had Groucho glasses, or a Whoopee cushion planned next.

"You will understand when you've jumped more," Akane said.

Sigma rubbed his forehead. "You're playing Russian Roulette with the fate of the world...And I can't even have one measly sex robot?"

"Give it a rest, Sigma," she said.

12.

Akane had a thought, as the games started. She had five more minutes to live, and she could already see many timelines full of trouble, because of Sigma's biggest flaw: his dick.

 _I should've picked nine of the least attractive men imaginable,_ she thought to herself. Of course, it wasn't as the timelines willed, it wasn't what they needed.

Or at least she should've made shirts mandatory. The world was falling apart, and its end very well could be copious amounts of cleavage.

She put a mental reminder to install an extensive cockblocking function in Luna next time she jumped.


End file.
